As my eyelids slowly draw away from each other, the gap
produced reveals a layered gradient of light purple and chestnut orange
staring back at my emerald green orbs laid awake. A whiff of the
familiar breeze of this area... Is encompassing me in an absolutely
newfound warmth, that does not belong to this place at all, as far as I
have known of. But this tingling sensation all over my body, that I can
instantly deduce to have come specifically from a hundred chaffs of
barley...It must be that wretched place again.
I soon rise up, dusting my black leather pants, the environment presented to my eyes reaffirms that yes, this is me. Back in this blasted place again. If I am not somewhere else after a rite of unconsciouness, it was explicitly made clear I am neither dead, nor alive by the... Queen of Maggots.
I don’t want any encounters with HER anymore.
Even though she basically gave me a second chance, that doesn’t mean I entirely approve of her forcing me into manic encounters with the biggest scums of earth, trying their best to reap my life and me fighting for that second chance.
But staying around won’t do anything, and so I drag my legs with hesitance back to that old house.
Not a single soul can be seen at the front porch. I guess that witch isn’t around. Nothing has changed. The entire house is still clouded with the same aura of misery, and this nostalgia brings out that sensation of remembrance. Of when I first encountered her, sitting quite serenely,yet menacingly on that wooden chair of hers. She was definitely anything but serene, though.
And all I wanted to do was to get out of this place.
It’s strange, though. I thought that life I have been leading until the time of my death would be my last one. The one life Mitzi gave me. The one gift my first true friend rewarded to me. The one that she gave her life for in exchange. But now, I am back to this place. To this warped dimension of my self-loathing and contempt to all the world. Where I probably will have to relive some brand new nightmares as I have not been here for a long, long time. What will I witness now, another exact replica of my body in a horrendous state of death, all soggy and inflamatory, all bloated up groggily with my joints fastened stiffly to one another? Or will it be a botched mutilation effort? Maybe they’ll take the two balls of sight that I like the most from their sockets in the next corpse this time?
I take my next steps in caution, fully alert. Those displeasing moments of unpredictable attacks from more of those psychopaths or that nonsensical old woman are not something I am not looking for anytime soon. With a painful creak, the door swings open inwardly, and the sight that meets my eyes is... Spectacular. A change. This is definitely a change.
A beautiful springfield replaces the dusty flooring that was once where my footing took place on in the past, technicolor flowers bloomed wondrously, dotting every single corner of the lush greenery. Butterflies of exotic patterns are floating effortlessly and gracefully everywhere, attracted by the petals of the flora spread all around them, glittering tears of moisture running down. I’ve always had problems with these colorful vegetations of literal, bloody doom... Yet, the whole atmosphere of this unknown loacation... It isn’t hot... It isn’t cold either... It just feels.. Somewhat endearing, somewhat encompassing... Somewhat welcoming.
The ridiculously melodious chirps of harmony from little birds on tall branches plunges me even deeper into this hypnotic trance of peace. A sudden sugary sweetness overtakes my limp tongue, my eyes gaining clarity in vision, rejuvenation washing over my aged and wrinkled body. My brain is hovering with no mind own of its own, flashing and browsing through piled up scrapbooks of memories inside it.
My unsettling adolescence. The very first date I had with Eric in our newly-formed relationship. That one fucking altercation and my fucking idiocy that cost me my baby. The unavoidable and excruciating solitariness that ensued afterwards, sullying my leftover hopes for a better state of mentality. My cats crowding around me to comfort me back to an actual life yet to no avail. That failure of an overdose attempt. The sickeningly monstrous entity that took the appearance of an old woman who gave herself the title of the Queen of Maggots. The horrific and gruesome sights of deaths appearing out of nowhere in rapid succession. That nurse’s -Izzy’s, I’ve always remembered her name- extremely unfortunate suicide and the betrayal of that quack of a doctor. The puzzling ressurections I suffered. My very first kill. The revelation of Mitzi’s previous interference, existence and also her brain cancer. Yet two more killings of my own. My cats literally decimating and decomposing the body of that fucking creep of a trespasser. Our confrontation with the ‘Eye Of Adam’. The senseless sacrifice of his poor father and our indirect yet cold-blooded elimination of one last parasite. Mitzi’s funeral and my resolve to keep living for her sake. My discovery of how useful –and difficult to master- the Internet can be to attempt to break free from a mental cage I built and was trapped in, hindering my ability to socialize all this time. My awfully happy time with the participants of the suicide forum, guiding these lost lambs back to their rightful paths, just like Mitzi did with me. The eventual recovery of my old genuine smile and my reputation in the neighbourhood, thanks to myself and that creepy cat lady legend. Me slowly opening and reaching out. Me starting to write down all my experiences and struggles against the darkness cast upon my life. A member of the forum offering to publish a book of the accounts. Me accepting. The book becoming a massive hit as a fiction title, because, really, to honestly tell the truth and made it seem legible is highly impossible. Me getting invited to host talks in rehabs and youth centres, started awkward but soon became some sort of a daily routine. Me being approached by a lean teenager, her eyes gleaming with tears as she gave me a hug, the bandages wrapping her arms exposed to my eyes, thanking me for saving her life and wishing me the very best for the future. Me being able to purchase a brand new apartment and have all the stray cats that saved my life, both literally and metaphorically, over permanently. Me spending the rest of my time helping others and enjoying a good life. The sudden seizures controlling my body in a maniacal dance. The stares of... concern my cats shared as they looked pitifully, their faces looming over mine as the world grew dimmer and dimmer, the striking yellow of Teacup’s dilating pupils being my very last sight before ...
What is... Where is... Can this be....?
“Hello there, Susan.”
That voice.
That same youthful voice.
That very same youthful voice that saved my life. That gave me life.
Slowly, I turn around with a certain expectation of who the owner of the voice was. And there she really was. I can see that grin spreading even wider on her face, the one she used to wear when she was still living and breathing. Now... She is living and breathing in front of me. So, why do I... Why am I...
“Well, nice to see you again, at least on my part.” One Mitzi Hunt beams gleefully, a little amused giggle punctuating her remark. I must have looked quite ghastly as I am trying to piece every single thing that is happening in a logical manner. Her wiry frame that is clad in her funeral attire -a black summer dress that I wore to my own daughter’s passing- leans slightly towards me, and she brushes her curly strands of hair –wig- to the side playfully, swaying effortlessly as a sudden breeze of epiphany wafts through the air. I finally close my parted lips, gaining composure and understanding. She remains smiling as the corners of my own mouth start to curl upwards, a refreshed feeling rushing down my cheeks in smooth streaks.
“You’ve finally realized why I’m right here with you now, have you?”
“Of course,” I pause, trying to wipe my tears away with a soft cackle, “Of course I have.”
She smiles rather poignantly, her kind eyes sweeping me gently.
“I can see some white in your hair... Your skin’s ripened with age... Age took its toll on your physique...Yet, I can see that you’re still Susan Ashworth, the woman who made the rest of those six months mine and Jack’s. He’s been great, if you want to know.”
“I could only do that if you ilegally broke in and rushed me off in that ambulance.” I quip.
She chuckles rather jovially at that remark. I can’t help but smile wider as well.
“I should thank myself ultimately, eh? And so do you. You were the one that made the choice to keep on living after my death. You owe all of those moments you’ve spared to yourself to yourself.” She emphasizes, a peaceful look on her face.
This smile of mine is then tinged with wryness.
It is undeniably true, how unfathomably good it felt to be the one that lent a helping hand instead of being the one rescued. To ease the same unbearable suffering I used to go through from those unlucky enough to have to go though. To assure them that... No matter how unbelievable and slim the hopes of not getting disappointed in the bleak realities of this crude world are... Life can still be a beautiful thing. No matter how incredibly jaded, and torn, and hurt you are... You do.... You do have a place.
World’s full of liars, traitors, cowards... But every now and then you meet someone like Mitzi, who will just smile at it all.
“I do... Don’t I? But looks like... My time is finally up. And back then... I would never have believed how I-I... Would actually wish... I can stay... longer.”
My voice wavering in strength, I kneel down in a crumpled bawling fit. Everyhing... Everything just feels so overwhelming.
“ Yeah,” a slight quiver is apparent in her voice as well,
“You were an absolute mess. “
Spreading her arms, she takes little, flighty skips towards me, and I do nothing but let her pull me in a deep embrace. I take comfort on her shoulders, sobbing measly. It must be quite an out of ordinary sight, an older woman taking her refuge in a young lady like her. Rubbing her hand against my back soothingly, she whispers in a wistful tone as everything that surrounds us blurs to nothing but white.
“We’re together now.”
~~~
"Scroll down to live."
~~~
You opened up your heart
To all the things you feared before
You're keeping him alive
You are my star, glowing , bright, an endless charm
Growing stronger day... by day...
Forever... I'm with you
Forever... I'll hold you
Forever... I love you
I do...
Just take my hand,
We'll take the train to neverland
All i need ,is you...
We'll make a spark
Bring the light, erase the dark
~ Forever by Siah
~~~~
I soon rise up, dusting my black leather pants, the environment presented to my eyes reaffirms that yes, this is me. Back in this blasted place again. If I am not somewhere else after a rite of unconsciouness, it was explicitly made clear I am neither dead, nor alive by the... Queen of Maggots.
I don’t want any encounters with HER anymore.
Even though she basically gave me a second chance, that doesn’t mean I entirely approve of her forcing me into manic encounters with the biggest scums of earth, trying their best to reap my life and me fighting for that second chance.
But staying around won’t do anything, and so I drag my legs with hesitance back to that old house.
Not a single soul can be seen at the front porch. I guess that witch isn’t around. Nothing has changed. The entire house is still clouded with the same aura of misery, and this nostalgia brings out that sensation of remembrance. Of when I first encountered her, sitting quite serenely,yet menacingly on that wooden chair of hers. She was definitely anything but serene, though.
And all I wanted to do was to get out of this place.
It’s strange, though. I thought that life I have been leading until the time of my death would be my last one. The one life Mitzi gave me. The one gift my first true friend rewarded to me. The one that she gave her life for in exchange. But now, I am back to this place. To this warped dimension of my self-loathing and contempt to all the world. Where I probably will have to relive some brand new nightmares as I have not been here for a long, long time. What will I witness now, another exact replica of my body in a horrendous state of death, all soggy and inflamatory, all bloated up groggily with my joints fastened stiffly to one another? Or will it be a botched mutilation effort? Maybe they’ll take the two balls of sight that I like the most from their sockets in the next corpse this time?
I take my next steps in caution, fully alert. Those displeasing moments of unpredictable attacks from more of those psychopaths or that nonsensical old woman are not something I am not looking for anytime soon. With a painful creak, the door swings open inwardly, and the sight that meets my eyes is... Spectacular. A change. This is definitely a change.
A beautiful springfield replaces the dusty flooring that was once where my footing took place on in the past, technicolor flowers bloomed wondrously, dotting every single corner of the lush greenery. Butterflies of exotic patterns are floating effortlessly and gracefully everywhere, attracted by the petals of the flora spread all around them, glittering tears of moisture running down. I’ve always had problems with these colorful vegetations of literal, bloody doom... Yet, the whole atmosphere of this unknown loacation... It isn’t hot... It isn’t cold either... It just feels.. Somewhat endearing, somewhat encompassing... Somewhat welcoming.
The ridiculously melodious chirps of harmony from little birds on tall branches plunges me even deeper into this hypnotic trance of peace. A sudden sugary sweetness overtakes my limp tongue, my eyes gaining clarity in vision, rejuvenation washing over my aged and wrinkled body. My brain is hovering with no mind own of its own, flashing and browsing through piled up scrapbooks of memories inside it.
My unsettling adolescence. The very first date I had with Eric in our newly-formed relationship. That one fucking altercation and my fucking idiocy that cost me my baby. The unavoidable and excruciating solitariness that ensued afterwards, sullying my leftover hopes for a better state of mentality. My cats crowding around me to comfort me back to an actual life yet to no avail. That failure of an overdose attempt. The sickeningly monstrous entity that took the appearance of an old woman who gave herself the title of the Queen of Maggots. The horrific and gruesome sights of deaths appearing out of nowhere in rapid succession. That nurse’s -Izzy’s, I’ve always remembered her name- extremely unfortunate suicide and the betrayal of that quack of a doctor. The puzzling ressurections I suffered. My very first kill. The revelation of Mitzi’s previous interference, existence and also her brain cancer. Yet two more killings of my own. My cats literally decimating and decomposing the body of that fucking creep of a trespasser. Our confrontation with the ‘Eye Of Adam’. The senseless sacrifice of his poor father and our indirect yet cold-blooded elimination of one last parasite. Mitzi’s funeral and my resolve to keep living for her sake. My discovery of how useful –and difficult to master- the Internet can be to attempt to break free from a mental cage I built and was trapped in, hindering my ability to socialize all this time. My awfully happy time with the participants of the suicide forum, guiding these lost lambs back to their rightful paths, just like Mitzi did with me. The eventual recovery of my old genuine smile and my reputation in the neighbourhood, thanks to myself and that creepy cat lady legend. Me slowly opening and reaching out. Me starting to write down all my experiences and struggles against the darkness cast upon my life. A member of the forum offering to publish a book of the accounts. Me accepting. The book becoming a massive hit as a fiction title, because, really, to honestly tell the truth and made it seem legible is highly impossible. Me getting invited to host talks in rehabs and youth centres, started awkward but soon became some sort of a daily routine. Me being approached by a lean teenager, her eyes gleaming with tears as she gave me a hug, the bandages wrapping her arms exposed to my eyes, thanking me for saving her life and wishing me the very best for the future. Me being able to purchase a brand new apartment and have all the stray cats that saved my life, both literally and metaphorically, over permanently. Me spending the rest of my time helping others and enjoying a good life. The sudden seizures controlling my body in a maniacal dance. The stares of... concern my cats shared as they looked pitifully, their faces looming over mine as the world grew dimmer and dimmer, the striking yellow of Teacup’s dilating pupils being my very last sight before ...
What is... Where is... Can this be....?
“Hello there, Susan.”
That voice.
That same youthful voice.
That very same youthful voice that saved my life. That gave me life.
Slowly, I turn around with a certain expectation of who the owner of the voice was. And there she really was. I can see that grin spreading even wider on her face, the one she used to wear when she was still living and breathing. Now... She is living and breathing in front of me. So, why do I... Why am I...
“Well, nice to see you again, at least on my part.” One Mitzi Hunt beams gleefully, a little amused giggle punctuating her remark. I must have looked quite ghastly as I am trying to piece every single thing that is happening in a logical manner. Her wiry frame that is clad in her funeral attire -a black summer dress that I wore to my own daughter’s passing- leans slightly towards me, and she brushes her curly strands of hair –wig- to the side playfully, swaying effortlessly as a sudden breeze of epiphany wafts through the air. I finally close my parted lips, gaining composure and understanding. She remains smiling as the corners of my own mouth start to curl upwards, a refreshed feeling rushing down my cheeks in smooth streaks.
“You’ve finally realized why I’m right here with you now, have you?”
“Of course,” I pause, trying to wipe my tears away with a soft cackle, “Of course I have.”
She smiles rather poignantly, her kind eyes sweeping me gently.
“I can see some white in your hair... Your skin’s ripened with age... Age took its toll on your physique...Yet, I can see that you’re still Susan Ashworth, the woman who made the rest of those six months mine and Jack’s. He’s been great, if you want to know.”
“I could only do that if you ilegally broke in and rushed me off in that ambulance.” I quip.
She chuckles rather jovially at that remark. I can’t help but smile wider as well.
“I should thank myself ultimately, eh? And so do you. You were the one that made the choice to keep on living after my death. You owe all of those moments you’ve spared to yourself to yourself.” She emphasizes, a peaceful look on her face.
This smile of mine is then tinged with wryness.
It is undeniably true, how unfathomably good it felt to be the one that lent a helping hand instead of being the one rescued. To ease the same unbearable suffering I used to go through from those unlucky enough to have to go though. To assure them that... No matter how unbelievable and slim the hopes of not getting disappointed in the bleak realities of this crude world are... Life can still be a beautiful thing. No matter how incredibly jaded, and torn, and hurt you are... You do.... You do have a place.
World’s full of liars, traitors, cowards... But every now and then you meet someone like Mitzi, who will just smile at it all.
“I do... Don’t I? But looks like... My time is finally up. And back then... I would never have believed how I-I... Would actually wish... I can stay... longer.”
My voice wavering in strength, I kneel down in a crumpled bawling fit. Everyhing... Everything just feels so overwhelming.
“ Yeah,” a slight quiver is apparent in her voice as well,
“You were an absolute mess. “
Spreading her arms, she takes little, flighty skips towards me, and I do nothing but let her pull me in a deep embrace. I take comfort on her shoulders, sobbing measly. It must be quite an out of ordinary sight, an older woman taking her refuge in a young lady like her. Rubbing her hand against my back soothingly, she whispers in a wistful tone as everything that surrounds us blurs to nothing but white.
“We’re together now.”
~~~
"Scroll down to live."
~~~
You opened up your heart
To all the things you feared before
You're keeping him alive
You are my star, glowing , bright, an endless charm
Growing stronger day... by day...
Forever... I'm with you
Forever... I'll hold you
Forever... I love you
I do...
Just take my hand,
We'll take the train to neverland
All i need ,is you...
We'll make a spark
Bring the light, erase the dark
~ Forever by Siah
~~~~
