Why?

First, I am feeling very guilty that I forgot where my best friend's birthday party was. I missed out the whole thing. Even though she forgave me, but I'm still scared she might hate me. Every single friend of mine is precious. I'm such a dumb, terrible jerk who doesn't deserve any friend.

Have you ever regretted of making friends? I know it sounds mean, but now I feel I kind of regret being friends with someone.

So, I have this friend in my life who made me regret the fact he was my first real friend in my new school. Let's call him Mark. He was basically the only person in my first year in the school who was super friendly to me. I felt very happy with his kind treatment of me, so I decided to become best friends with him. I've never had real friends, since I don't trust people. In my old school, people mostly became my friends because I was rich even though I acted like a total jerk ( which is still an understatement). But in my new school, I slightly dropped my guard down since people in my school are already rich ( Even though most of them behave like total snobs ). Mark was the only friend that mattered to me, but then soon I discover more friends. I was so happy I still shed tears when I remember those days.

Then in my second school year, I was in a circle of best friends. I enjoyed every little amount time I spent with them. I especially got close with Mark, 'Lucy' and 'Harold'. We were the closest, the center of the circle. I was enjoying those times until the cursed day of February 14, 2010 arrived. That day was the beginning of the disasters in my new life.

A week before that fated day, we all promised to hang out together. But unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to go even though I told them I would come. Lucy couldn't come at all from the start because of some reasons, while Harold was traveling somewhere far from my city. He was forced by his parents to join them and he didn't have time to contact us that the hang-out was cancelled.. Mark, being the sole person who appeared to our meeting place, had to wait for hours until he finally decided to go home by himself. He formed a grudge against Harold, thinking he set him up to be left alone, and from the start of our friendship Mark already disliked Harold.

Then, on the 14th of February, 2010...

Harold told me he was backstabbed by Mark. I can't go into details in this one, but all I could say is that Lucy started to hate Harold because of Mark. I sided with Harold and kept being friends with Lucy but I gave Mark the silent treatment. It continued like this until the start of my third school year. Lucy and Harold are friends again, and I finally made up with Mark. But Mark still won't forgive Harold for what he did. Looks like Mark has a habit of turning friends into enemies, since now he is being enemies with a lot of his formerly very close friends. Mark is a selfish and arrogant individual after all, and these traits are not very likeable. Unfortunately, these close friends he now hates are my dearest friends. And now because of this, Mark's old friends now acted strange, like they want me to go away from them as soon as possible. I'm deeply hurt by this, knowing they're also my closest friends. I would cry every night, waking up to find that I'm stuck in a labyrinth of hatred. I would wipe my tears and go to school as usual. But I can't take it anymore. It's already hard enough for me to have problems at home. I may not look like a frail person in school, but deep down, I'm just a little girl who can only cry whenever signs of problems appear. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate them! Why? Why must it always be me who is played around by people? Why do people enjoy it when I suffer? Why do I always let down people even though I tried my best not to? Why, why!? Why can't I trust anyone completely anymore? I'm tired.... I'm so tired of everything.... If God exists, why would God do this to me? Are my sins that horrible? Please save me. The only reason why I am still not dead is because I still have faith in my friends. But that too, is slowly fading....
"Doushite.... Doushite, kana?"
"Why... Why is it, I wonder?"